Is defensiveness a trauma response?

Yes, it can be among many other causes. Defensiveness would be a reaction to feeling insecure or fearful. Childhood trauma or being bullied can bring on the behavior. Defensiveness is both a feeling and a behavior. Defensive behaviors keep you from dealing with your own feelings of fear and insecurities. Even though in the short term you may feel better, the long-term effect is that you will end up feeling worse.

Thank You😊

Where did you leave your past to move forward?

Well, I noticed you asked two questions. This one & “How did you break from your past?” My answer to this one is I left it right there, in the past! That’s where it belongs! Living in the past is just that! You never move forward. Sometimes the future is intimidating. The unknown scares the shit right out of us! At times, it’s more comfortable being what we already know, however that is not good enough a lot of times. We start out maybe being a little bad, or questionable to some including law enforcement. That is a past some outgrow without any issues. There are some of us that can find it easier to deal with than the unknown. We are afraid that we will fail, or others will give us a hard time. Others will not let us live shit down! That’s ok though, they can have their opinion! Let that shit roll off your back & go on with it!

I used to tell my kids, “It’s easier to be bad than it is to be good!” & I also told them, “You can get yourself into a pretty deep hole overnight but it’s going to take you years to get the fuck out!” Maybe not years, but I made my point! It’s scary and hard. You will slide down the wall of hole but keep diggin in & moving towards the top. You will get there! The payoff is worth it! Becoming your true self is an accomplishment. The journey is scary but look for good, no matter how small. It’s an amazing world with some very amazing people in it!

Journal, journal!! It’s important! Get those thoughts out of your head! Put your goals down on paper. Start small. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Take it slow. Remember, you are trying to find yourself, you cannot rewrite the past!!

Thank You & Good Luck😊

On the Road to our Authentic Selves

The other day I had a question from Quora that asked me, why some people bounce back from trauma & others it shatters?

Basically, the answer is found within us & knowing who we are. Mental strength is what it boils down to after addressing a lot of factors.

On my journey, I had been given the option of asking a very close friend or family member some very personal questions about myself & how I was perceived by others. That can be an awakening that some may not be ready for.

All that in consideration, my niece asked me to read something she wrote. Of course, I was excited to read it! I was delighted that there are some that really do get it!! I thought it was fitting after the question so I asked her if I could post it.  She said yes. I am so proud of her & love her so very much. She has been through her own hell & is finding her way out!!! You go girl!

Love, Aunt Jamie

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When is the last time you really took a good look at yourself? I don’t mean in the mirror but really looked at yourself from the perspective of other people. I’m not saying you should always care what people think but sometimes others can see things that you’re blind to. I used to think I knew everything. I could act like I wanted when & where I wanted to. When I started seeing myself as others saw me, I saw a version of myself I didn’t like at all. It was incredibly humbling to say the least. I started to see how selfish, ignorant, negative, & disrespectful I was. Being that way to people I love made me feel worse. Then I saw how I treated strangers & I still felt like crap.

I don’t necessarily care what others think but I do want to be seen in a positive light, especially as I grow into my faith. God convicts me every time I act like a fool. I am not too proud to say sorry when I screw up either.

In a previous company I worked for, the owner of the franchise pulled me aside at work to tell me that I really needed to get it together. He said I was bringing others down with my negativity. I really wasn’t upset because I knew it to be true. From that point on, they never seen me act the same way again. It was a wake-up call & I could no longer justify my behavior. I could no longer justify my negativity.

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What about you? Is your pride in the way? Do you think you know everything as I did? Would you become defensive, or would you be open to constructive criticism?

Depending on your answer that answer can determine some of your character. I don’t know about you but at the very least I would like to be known for being a light in this world, not for being a bitter, traumatized child acting out as if I don’t know any better.

I learned that being honest with myself was freeing. The more we hide behind our own lies & make excuses for our shitty behavior, the further we get from being our true/authentic selves.

Kayla Marie Prosser

Thank You Sweetie😊

Why do some people bounce back from trauma and shatter others?

Some can just handle more shit than others. People’s mental toughness is probably the most important factor. If you folded like a piece of paper the first time you lost a game in elementary school, first break-up in junior high, or about pissed your pants the first time you got pulled over by the cops for speeding or something else minor.

How do you view life & its issues? You know the old saying, “when it rains, it pours!”? There isn’t much of a chance that you will just have to climb little hills throughout your life. You will surely have a couple of mountains to climb. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Glass, half-full or half-empty? Your PERSPECTIVE can say a lot! How was your upbringing? What was your parents/caregiver’s point of view? Regardless of these factors & there’s more, we are in charge of our own thoughts. We develop our own perspective on life.

Someone’s first traumatic experience can be the time they figure out whether or not they are mentally strong or not. If you are one who may be a little weak in this area, there is always help in strengthening your mind’s toughness. If you so choose to do so. There is mental exercises & there’s a book, “Focus Your Attention” that you can read & do exercises.

This also fits in the category of finding your true self, learning who you are. Believe it or not it is all intertwined & depends on no one but yourself!

Thank You & Good Luck😊

This is so appropriate after my last post😊

What’s one of the best reassurance you can ever give to someone in life? What are the most soothing words you can give to heal and to give a little light?

Soothing? I had to giggle when I read this. I have lived fast & hard! There’s been nothing soothing about it! I wasn’t really ever given reassurance that would have been considered soothing. When I talk to people, I am not hateful but I am direct & to the point. I do not have time to pussy-foot around. None of us have that kind of time to waste. You never know when your time on earth is going to end. The best reassurance I give is this, “you are not alone”, & “the one thing you can count on in life is that there is never a shortage of shit balls thrown at you!”

There’s my soothing light!

Thank You😊

–

Words to Listen To!

BLACK LABEL SOCIETY-If you have ever experienced an abusive, toxic or narcissistic relationship, listen to these!! AWESOME!

“Spoke in the Wheel” & “In this River”

The Storm Begins

The picture on my cover photo on my fb blog is how a lot of people feel. Crashing thoughts, lightning strikes here, there & everywhere in a synaptic frenzy trying to make a connection. CONFUSING, to say the least. Life can be damn near impossible to navigate through without all the storms racing in your head.

As we are growing up or supposed to be growing up, we get hung up on shit like “who am I supposed to be?” “Who am I supposed to act like when this happens?” “How do I deal with this or that?” We look to all kinds of people for some sort of answer. Usually, our first role models come in the form of parents! Well, that is not the ideal set of role models for some! There are some real doozies out there masquerading as parents. that is usually where a lot of us get really fucked up! That’s the beginning of all of our questions about ourselves & life! We become a giant ball of insecurities that we do not know how to deal with! This is how a lot of us would begin our first therapy session! I know I did! At a time in our lives where we should have the bull by the horns, we barely have a grip on its tail! This is where we can make some really, really big mistakes trying to deal with the fear of the unknown! Trying to deal with what I think is the first time we feel rawness! So raw your skin hurts! It’s like someone is holding a gun to your head saying you have one minute to make your mind up. This way, that way, which way do you go? Hense, the storm that has landed in your mind & it’s not going to clear out of there for some time! The weather is going to be shotty at best & at times you are left asking, “what the hell did I do to deserve any of this shit besides be born?” Does this sound familiar? I do not think I am the only one that feels this way! I do feel like we should have classes in our schools designed around this thing called self-awareness. Could we save some from the roads of self-destruction? Can we give some lost souls purpose? I don’t know but it would almost be worth it to try!

The past three years I was thrown into a life I had no clue about! Of course, I know there are some messed up people out there but I never in my life knew that the 20 something’s were so lost! I have heard stories that made me cry like a baby. I wanted to give them all homes & take care of them. I wanted each one to know that they are worth it & there is happiness for them! I felt as if I had met a lost generation without hope! Even though I was going through my own life changes, I found myself being helped by helping them! We all need help at times but it’s important to remember there are a lot of lost souls that need to be reminded that they are loved & that they are special in their own ways! So, try helping yourself by helping someone else!

Be kind to everyone & be kind to yourself😊

What Was the One Thing You Didn’t Understand for a Long Time Until You Experienced It?

No doubt about it, hands down it’s narcissistic abuse. I was so naive to think that I had been through it all, as far as relationships/marriages. Was I sadly mistaken! I had been through 2 very violent & one moderately violent marriage before my last relationship. That relationship ended 3 years ago when he left me for a new supply. We were never married but were together for 15 years, full-time. I say full-time because for the past 3 years he has inserted himself into my life regardless of what I say. Even though the relationships before included all the ingredients of domestic violence there has been nothing so devastating & sickening as living with a narcissist. The psychological effects have been so devastating that I have an autoimmune disease. Rheumatoid arthritis is crippling me & will more than likely be the cause of death. So, without a doubt for me it has been narcissistic abuse. I don’t know if I will fully recover mentally or will I truly understand. The psychological part of me says I understand but the girl in me who just wanted a life with love of one man will not ever understand!

Thank You😊

HERE IT IS!

Part one 

During the last 5-7 years of a very intense, life changing relationship I started learning about narcissism & narcissistic abuse. Of course, I knew the meaning of narcissism, but the general, basic definition of the word. People stuck on themselves, Right? Not even fucking close! I considered myself fairly intelligent &thinking I was at the end of a streak of bad luck when it came to relationships! Wrong, wrong, wrong! I could have never been more wrong or naïve!  

Narcissism: excessive preoccupation with or admiration of oneself. 

Ok, so someone loves themselves a little too much. That’s not the half of it. All of us are a little narcissistic at times. What I am talking about is a very dangerous personality disorder. Dangerous to the person in a relationship with a narcissist! 

2 

Narcissistic personality disorder:  a personality disorder marked by a grandiose sense of self-importance, people are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or /& an ideal love. Fantasies are all they are & most likely will they ever be. These narcissists are flooded with feelings of inadequacies, & respond to criticism, defeat, or rejection usually with anger. In my experience, it was always anger & rage. Their relationships with others are disturbed by expectations of special favors, exploitativeness, over idealization, & devaluation of others. The narcissist lacks empathy & they will only pretend to show sympathy for someone.  

Love bombing; Usually this is used in the beginning of the relationships or in other words the beginning of psychological warfare! The narcissist showers you with attention & affection like you’ve never had. Love bombing is used in cults. It can be used in different ways, positive & negative. It’s psychological manipulation!  

During this so-called honey-moon phase you are treated like royalty, they love you so much & so deeply that you swear you can see it in their eyes! You will never doubt their love for you! How could you? They will never do anything to hurt you & they will protect you always from all the dangers & bad people in this world! Little do you know that the most dangerous person to you has done set that fucking hook in your mouth! You’re now his/her trophy bass!  

For the next few years, you are engaged in psychological warfare with a master of manipulation! Behind your back he’s lying to people about you, even your own family. The narcissist is taking their time setting up for the major win. The Superbowl of narcissism. They must win; they must be the grand champion no matter the cost to you! They do not give a shit about you! They do not love you! Even though those are the truth’s; you do not realize this yet! 

 

One reason you do not realize what’s going on & what kind of abuse is being done to you is because you are being made to doubt your own sanity! Hell, at times you question what’s real or not! Are you crazy? Are you losing your marbles? Are your friends & family looking at you like you have two-heads? People that have known you your whole life are acting like strangers. Some of this is done by a narcissist using word salads! A bunch of bullshit leaving you confused. You start questioning every aspect of your life! These are arguments that never end, conversations with absolutely no meaning & no endings! You’re clueless! You don’t understand & most of the time you do not know who the hell the person is that you aren’t having a conversation with! The narcissist is controlling everything! They are slowly breaking you down. It’s hard at this point to know who the fuck you are anymore!   

You continue even though you have been kicked off your pedestal. You start to feel like a piece of shit that has obviously screwed everything up. You are told that you can’t love right, you don’t praise them enough, you do not show that you are proud of them, and the sex is boring! You are left speechless and in a state of dis-belief! You are now asking yourself questions like, how long has he felt like this? What did I do or not do? Oh my god, I have hurt his feelings & made him feel unloved! I must fix this, or I will lose him forever! You do not want that to happen because there will never be anyone else for you! There’s not another person who could love you like he/she does! You have entered the game of all mind games-psychological warfare all alone! 

End of Part one